I've got a feeling, I've got a bit of an inkling

( Chazaqiel )

FOR YOUR INFORMATION her name is Janette and she is a model.

And she doesn't want to meet twerps who get a hard-on over a low pressure system.

Oh.

I think I'm homeless.

My apartment is being fumigated which means I can't stay there for a bit. I asked Doug if I could sleep over at his place but he said his girlfriend was staying and there wouldn't be much sleeping going on and then his eye did a funny sort of twitch. And I said what and he said, I said we won't be doing much sleeping if you know what I mean and he did the thing with his eye again. Almost like he was winking. So I said insomnia can be quite serious, have you talked to your doctor?

Then he told me to fuck off.

I guess I should find a hotel room?

(And it's weird, you know, because he never mentioned a girlfriend before.)

A co-anchor. They want to give me a co-anchor. What the hell are they thinking? How could they possibly-- Don't they understand Doug Bickmore works alone? I'm like a lone wolf, prowling the prairies of current affairs and preying on the- the buffalo of news. Hey, that's pretty good. I should use that one on the producers tomorrow. Christ, Chaz doesn't need some bimbo pointing out the pressure systems in his forecasts, and he couldn't find his ass with two hands and a compass!

McKenzie Miller. I bet that's not even her real name. It's like Stone Phillips, people just don't have names like that in the real world, not unless they're characters on a TV soap. She's probably not even a journalist. That'd be right, wouldn't it? I spend ten years working my ass off, honing my reporting skills, getting the big stories, accumulating the extensive experience necessary to sit behind that news desk and head WNPZ's flagship local news team, and this girl just waltzes in fresh out of college and expects she can do just as good a job as me because she's young and cute and attractive to male audiences.

You know, I don't think they've thought this through at all.

[Meet Doug, Chaz's colleague and only friend. He's a sad, ignorant, nasty little mortal who has no idea his favourite punching bag is a demon. Despite his pomposity, all of his news stories are researched, followed up, written and then transcribed phonetically by others and he was hired chiefly because he was the only guy WNPZ could afford on their tiny budget.]

Gosh, I never would have thought that being evil would take so much work. I mean, it always looked so easy compared to the - you know, being charitable and singing praises all the time, especially with all the rules and things to think about like, oh, Stop Singing Out Of Key and Don't Tread On Your Superiors' Robes and Don't Bother The Humans Unless One Of The Archangels Says You Can, Yes, Even If You're Only Trying To Help - Look, Would You Just Go Over There And Say A Few Quiet Our Fathers?

But it turns out that there are just as many rules for evil as there are for good. And the hierarchies are heaps more confusing. They have Knights and Presidents and Dukes and Earls and Barons and Superintendents, only they never properly tell you what any of those things mean, you're just expected to know.

...um, not that I'd presume to question the methods of my glorious masters, may they be eternally victorious and mighty and, and hail Satan and everything.

I just think they ought to have some sort of manual, that's all.